I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
