My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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