dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
