So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
