I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize