So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
