I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
