to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
