You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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