Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
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