He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
