VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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