Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
