you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize