it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
