my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
