dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
