Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
3 2 1 whiskey
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
