You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Every concussion has its silver lining
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize