How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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