New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize