I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
