Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
