I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
