Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
