you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
