i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
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