i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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