literally had 100 drinks last night.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
