I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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