apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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