Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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