guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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