Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
