I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
