Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
