i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
