Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i've created a new STD.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
