Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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