Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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