you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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