i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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