there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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