google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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