a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
