sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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