you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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