Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
