What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
