summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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