You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
