so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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