How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
