You made me cry and you don't even care
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Randomize
