weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
