i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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