9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
