fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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