I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
