I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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