A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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