You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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