The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Watching her eat just hurts me
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
