Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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