I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
