I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
