Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
