I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
