why do cheetos always look like penises
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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